Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
