Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
