Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
