if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
