i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
