I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
