So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
