there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
