I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
