clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
