the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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