They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
