Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
