He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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