You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
