Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
