Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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