I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
