I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
