party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
