Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
