I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
