I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
