If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
