you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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