nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
