I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
