happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
