I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
