Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
