the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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