its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Randomize
