i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
