i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
