Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
