but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
