i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
