Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
