I seem to have left my pride at pride
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
