You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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