and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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