you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
