I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
