why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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