I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
