The maid of honor just puked.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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