census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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