i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
