I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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