Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
